You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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