I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
