I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
