Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
