Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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