We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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