life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
