She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
