Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
