I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
