11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
