Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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