The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
