I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
