Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
