Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
