I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
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