I am in a vortex of obligation.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Less talking, more tequila
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
