there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
