I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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