I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
