i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Randomize
