I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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