he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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