Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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