you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
