Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
