I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
