I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
