i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Sorry my hands just texted you
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
