She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Randomize
