I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
