You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
