Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
