Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
