I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
