just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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