I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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