Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
