Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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