the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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