I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I need to calm my uterus...
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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