dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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