I didn't shave. On purpose
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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