Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you have to choose: penises or morals?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
