you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
