When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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