You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
