You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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