Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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