my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
