ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
