Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
