I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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