Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I am one with the molecules
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
