I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
