Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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